To Desire
Unveiling what's wanted, but doesn't want the world to know.
Lemme tell you a secret.
Something I don’t want most to know.
I have desires…
Deep, vivid cravings. Ones that I’ve breathed so much life into over the span of time that they’re damn near touchable, sensational, impressionable. They’re so potent with energy that I can feel myself carrying them on a cellular level.
Dreaming Asleep
Sometimes they linger their way through the REM state of my dreams. You know those kinds of dreams, the really life-like ones that occur right before you wake up? The ones you remember?
There are even times where my consciousness erupts to life within such dreams, making them lucid—tangible. How delicious, pleasurable, and juicy it is to experience lucidity. It’s something that shatters my perception of an awakened reality, exposing me to an alternate state that a standard human shouldn’t typically encounter.
Dreaming Awake
And then there’s the experience of desire in reality itself.
AKA, the real world.
When I’m awake, eyes blinking.
I stumble across them in daydreams, journalings, walks. I dance with them to the rhythm of beats and sounds that blare through my earphones. I entertain them as I watch characters act their parts on blue-lit screens. I seduce them over texts and calls with other promiscuous parties. I taste them as I walk down grocery isles.
I take them in, expose myself to them as they expose me to the pleasurable corners of my inner world I didn’t know about—or did but have been far too embarrassed to admit.
I soak in them.
Forbidden Fruits
And as I soak, I’m left wondering “Is this healthy? Is this limerence? Is this all in my head? Is this too good to be true? Is this a waste of time? Is this safe? Is this a distraction? Is this worth it?”
While saturated in desire, there’s this part that believes my simply being in such a state is forbidden. That it’s dangerous to be so hung up on what I yearn for. That it’s more intoxicating than any drug or substance that exists on planet Earth.
Typically, this part has been known to silence my desires, smother them from bubbling up to the surface.
Renegotiation/Recalibration
Lately, however, I’ve been renegotiating my way into a new relationship with my desires. I’ve been exploring the risk of unveiling them, exposing them, frolicking with them in full abandon. I’ve been naughtily granting myself full access to them.
And you know what?
Something superb is coming of this.
Slowly, surely, my desires are coming to fruition.
It seems the more I allow myself to roll around in my fantasies, the more I’m recalibrating into a perspective where they’re no longer mere dreams—they’re real. I’ll be damned. Who would’ve thought…
That I had such power.
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